You know, it don't come easy ...

As I've recently been struggling to find some direction for my future life, and to choose from the many directions I would interested in going in, I've come to realize that this may be my problem. Because "it" pretty much has always come easy for me. School was easy—so much so that to this day I don't know what people mean when they say they're going to 'study'. I just don't have a clear idea of the activity associated with that word. (And no, I don't blame this issue on my schools—I went to too many for it to be an across-the-board issue. I think if you're bent on taking the easy way, you'll find it. And I did. For example, at my excellent prep school—where I gained a good education in spite of myself—I got around the need for work by taking the least challenging class schedule I could come up with.) Work was always very easy. And while personal relationships weren't necessarily easy, there were always books and imagination to make up for those.

I think it's one of the challenges I ran into with motherhood. Because I expected that to be easy. I thought I'd breeze right into it and know exactly what to do, enjoy every minute, and just be a 'natural'. I have since learned, through association with a large cross-section of other moms, that there is no such thing as a 'natural'. Every mom has her own stumbling blocks, and it seems that most moms feel that they fail to live up to their mothering potential a good half the time. (Or more. For the record, most of them—at least the ones I know—are wrong and are much more awesome than they think they are.)

Anyway. So since I've moved out of the "having babies" portion of my life, the idea of what to do next, my next goal to focus on, has been on my mind quite a bit. There are so many things I can think of that I would like to do, so many interests that I could pursue, so many boxes to think outside of. But none of them are particularly "easy". All of them require work, either logistically or mentally. Or both. (Not so much physically, and that's not really my issue anyway. I have no difficulty with physical work—it's so much easier because it's tangible.)

And I don't know if recognizing my basic lack of interest in doing things the "hard" way is going to help me decide which path I want to go down. I don't know if I can decide that now, with three kids under the age of 4. But I think it helps me feel forewarned—that any path requires an initial struggle with my own inertia. And no matter what I choose, learning to stop taking the easy path will be one of the crucial first steps.

Mother's Day

I was reading another blog that was talking today about Mother's Day, and that invited comments on the question: What do you want? I was going to comment, then I thought, might as well bring my downer to my own blog instead of depressing someone else's.

Because I can't get excited about Mother's Day anymore. My own experiences and watching the experiences of others have shown me the dark underbelly of the day, and I don't want to celebrate a day that makes so many people feel badly.

How many people out there dread Mother's Day because their mother is dead? Or sick? Or doesn't deserve to be celebrated?

How many women out there are sick with grief as Mother's Day approaches because their child has died? Or is sick? Or they've miscarried? Or they haven't been able to get pregnant at all? So many women face Mother's Day every year knowing there's a great possibility that they will never be mothers—or remembering happy years when their children were with them.

And if you don't want to think about the extreme stories, think about the everyday ones. How many women are going to be happy with what they get for Mother's Day? For every woman whose husband (cause, let's face it, it's on him for most mothers of small children) gets it right, there are probably 5 who will swallow their disappointment because he didn't think it was important. Or didn't think it was his job. Or spent more time/money/effort on his mother.

The way I see it, Mother's Day is a day of heightened expectations that leaves many women feeling unappreciated, disappointed, and neglected ... and many more devastated and miserable in their grief. I can't celebrate that.

(I know, it's not everyone's problem. And if you feel that Mother's Day is a day that speaks to you and gives you joy, I hope it is a very happy day and everything you're looking forward to. I'm not advocating the overthrow of the day ... just putting forth the many reasons why I don't celebrate it.)

new books and movies

Finally making good on another part of that IOU—new books and movies.

Actually, only one new book. Christopher Corbett, Orphans Preferred, on the Pony Express. Overall, it was so-so. I think the author was trying to underscore his main point, which is that there are only so many facts that people know about the running of the Pony, and the sheer volume of myth that has grown up around the story has pretty much drowned out those few facts. But in the midst of trying to make that point, he left the reader (well, this reader, anyway) feeling unenthused and a little bit bored. The debunking of a lot of myths wasn't what I picked up the book for, and I didn't find it grippingly written.

Movies, now—after a long hiatus, I'm back to burning through my Netflix list. I watched an old Oscar-winner, The Best Years of Our Lives, about three WWII veterans returning home and what happens to them there. Starred Myrna Loy, Fredric March, and Dana Andrews, and a veteran named Harold Russell. Russell is the only actor to have won 2 Oscars for the same role: Best Supporting Actor and a special Oscar for giving hope to his fellow veterans. Watching this man on the screen, using hooks instead of hands, was really inspiring. And the technology was surprisingly good, given that it was 1945. He could do pretty much anything. The movie as a whole was quite good. It's always nice when watching an Oscar-winning film to say to yourself, "Now, there's a movie that deserved Best Picture."

I also watched about the first 10 minutes of a documentary about Gettysburg, called Gettysburg: Three Days of Destiny ... and it was awful. The voice-overs that purported to be in the words of historical figures were dull, their accents atrocious, the action confusing, scenes jumped all over the place. I'm sorry I wasted a Netflix pick on it!

I've also been watching the History Channel series, "10 Days that Unexpectedly Changed America". Highly recommended! I saw the ones on Antietam, the Gold Rush, the Scopes Trial, and the Mystic Massacre (which I had never read about and am now feeling is a gap in my colonial education). Nice overviews of historical events, and a very controlled focus on the big picture—the way the lives of Americans throughout history have been changed by these events.

writer's block

Not in general—actually, I'm filled with ideas these days, when I get the chance to sit down and let them flow—but in specific. I was sitting here trying to do an exercise about writing sentences in opposition, and the first assignment was to write a sentence about birth and then a sentence about death. I couldn't do it. The birth sentence was okay, then I went off on a tangent and wrote a poem (two in one night! My first two poems in 5 years) about my mother. But I couldn't go back to the exercise, because the only thing I could think of in writing about birth and death that close to each other was Matthew ... and I can't write about him. For years I tried to write a poem for him, but nothing felt special enough. And in a lot of ways I feel like he took that particular muse with him. Maybe I felt like he took all my muse with him—that may be why I've written so little in the past 5 years (well, along with the three more babies, anyway!). But I had to leave the exercise for another time. It felt too close, too raw. It doesn't bother me hugely—when it's right, the words will come—but I did find it very disturbing how almost afraid I felt to tackle that second sentence. Afraid of what, I'm not sure.

gardening

I tried an experiment this year, one that I've been meaning to try every spring for years but kept getting distracted by children, pregnancy, etc. I started seeds indoors! I did broccoli, watermelon, sage, chamomile, and lavender ... and carrots, because the boys wanted to help and carrots were what they chose. And I've been really excited that the plants are actually coming up in their little pots! I have no idea where or how I got my green thumb, but plants do seem to thrive under my care (unless there is forceful neglect, which is how I lost all my indoor plants ... see above children and pregnancy).

The strawberries are starting to green again, and I need to get out and weed my herb bed and pull up all the little shoots off the raspberry bushes. They try and take over every year and have to be yanked back into their corner. Probably the beginning of next month I'll get the veggies going outside.

I'm still working on what to do with the front yard. The assortment of bulbs are popping out all over the yard ... which is nice, but looks a little chaotic. I think the plan will be to pull all the bulbs this summer, and replace them in a neater fashion next fall. And this summer, plant a bunch of annuals for a nice colorful flower display. It's a little surprising to me that I enjoy gardening, since I'm not what you'd call the outdoor type, but it certainly is effort that yields tangible results, and I'm all for that.

scrapped so soon

Clearly, given the shortness of my temper today, the staying up past bedtime to write is not going to work. A mommy on her own does seem to need her sleep. (I've actually been trying out the plan since this weekend, so I'm really on about 4 or 5 days of short sleep rations, and they're catching up with me.)

It's a challenge, though, finding a dedicated time to write. I think I really need that, an hour or half-hour that is devoted to nothing but writing ... but there are so few hours in the day that are within my discretion to allocate. I never know what time the boys will nap, or how long they'll sleep—and the frequency with which they spend an hour or so running around in their room before going down makes it difficult to say "I'll write for the first half-hour of naptime" because some days I'm not entirely sure when naptime started!

Possibly the next try would be to start small. Instead of going for an every-day time frame, try instead devoting the whole of the evening hours one night a week to writing. I believe I will try that next week, since I'll be done with most of my journals by then and starting a couple of months hiatus between publishing schedules.

writing

After a meeting with a fellow writer on Sunday, I was inspired to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Not so much in the writing itself - but in the getting it done. Because I'd have to be writing in order to do something wrong there!

Part of the problem - well-covered territory here, I know - is the time management issue. Trying to figure out WHEN to write. Because I need a plan in order to get things done, and I have a hard time writing while the kids are around ... and when they're not around I tend to have things like journals, house, husband, and down-time that take precedence.

But I think I've figured out the major issue - I'm trying to bite off too much at once. I tend to think about "writing" as "sitting down and working on a major project", which tends to lead to the question of which major project to work on, then further down the path to what genre I want to work in ... which leads ultimately to so many major life questions that it's too daunting to think about. (Culminating in "What do I want to be when I grow up?" - a question to which I am nowhere near to having the answer.)

So I think the "plan" will be this: instead of worrying about which project to work on, take whatever time I have to write and either work on some writing exercises (I have a book of them just waiting for me) or write whatever comes to mind at the time. At some point, I suspect inspiration will hit and I'll find myself working on a major project without ever having had to decide which one.

And for this week (since Lou is away and I'm soloing with three small children), I'm going to try writing after bedtime. Instead of going to bed at my usual midnight, push it to 12:30 or 1:00, with that time devoted to writing. We'll see, during a week in which I HAVE to get up with the kids in the morning and get them moving, if my body can handle the truncated amounts of sleep or not. (And yes, before you get too concerned for the kids, if I see it's not working after a day or so, I will go to sleep earlier. I promise.)

IOU

Dear Blog (and blog-reading audience):

I owe you discourses on writing, and plan therefore; houses; the adorableness of three small children I happen to know; TV; and on new books and movies. Sadly, tonight will not see payment of any of this debt, as I am deep in mid-article, trying to catch up and get ahead on #s 2 and 3 of the 5 journals currently on deadline. Better luck tomorrow.

slight alteration

... in this month's resolution goal. I wasn't mentally prepared to do money this month, and so didn't have any kind of a "system" or really any thoughts on how to go about working on my spending.

So instead, I've decided to take on the task of keeping in touch this month. The goal being obviously to reestablish and maintain contact with old friends and to actively work on making stronger ties with new friends. Part of this is being aware during my interactions of "listen more, talk less," and part just being comfortable. It sounds both simple and obvious, but being comfortable in your situation and confident in yourself makes it a lot easier to meet and interact with people. It's not something I manage all the time ... but I really feel like I'm getting better at it. I don't feel harried and overstressed when I'm out with the kids as much, and I feel that I'm paying more attention to the world around me and have less tunnel vision.

book report V

Been a slow book month! I was reading one long work for most of the time. I have recently finished a journal issue on the restoration of Colonial Williamsburg. It was written in the '30s, so right at the time CW was being renovated. Interesting details on how the restorers knew what materials to use, etc.

I also just finished a Louis L'Amour book of short stories, Yondering. It was basically stories from his own experiences as a sailor and merchant seaman. Still the usual standard of quality, but not as much to my taste as the westerns.

The book that took up so much time this month was Jeff Shaara's Rise to Rebellion. I've read most of his other works: Gods and Generals and The Last Full Measure, picking up where his father left off. (Michael Shaara was the author of the really excellent The Killer Angels, which was later made into the movie Gettysburg. He wrote in a unique style that his son has kept up in his own writings.) And the sequel to Rise to Rebellion, The Glorious Cause. The latter two chronicle the Revolutionary War and its inception. Now, having read all these works by this author, I felt they were good, but lacked the passion that infuses The Killer Angels. Until I read Rise to Rebellion. This book really seemed to be the one Jeff Shaara had always wanted to write. His enthusiasm for the time period enriched the book immeasurably.

Still moving through the life and times of Perry Mason—Erle Stanley Gardner's detective from first to last. Interestingly, Gardner wrote about Mason from the '30s through the '60s, and Perry Mason, Della Street, and Paul Drake never age. Nor does the relationship between Mason and Street ever progress. Right now I'm deep in the works of the '30s, enjoying seeing how Gardner's writing is maturing.

And still working on Alan and Iris Macfarlane's excellent Empire of Tea, on the history thereof. Long read, but well worth it.

April resolution

So a logjam of journals (three arrived on Friday, with one already in process and two more due in any day now!) has forced a slight change in the resolution schedule. April was supposed to be focused on writing ... but I'll be so busy editing everyone else's works I'm not going to have the time to devote to my own. So, we'll be working on money management this month. Toys and clothes for the kids, trips to Dunkin Donuts, dinners out solo, etc.—figuring out where the line is between treats and self-indulgent and overly expensive habits.