parenting thoughts

I had a very introspective chat about parenting last night with a friend who's expecting her first baby, and it has me thinking. Mostly about the issue I brought up below: the similarities between my "adult" behavior and my 3-year-old's.

I remember thinking way back when Grey was a baby and having trouble sleeping through the night that it was hard not to understand the problem, since I'm not exactly the healthiest sleeper, either. If I have nights when I toss and turn and can't fall asleep, or when I wake up several times, how can I not expect him to? (Especially since, as he gets older, it's becoming ever more clear that he got my sleep habits. He lies awake for a good hour before falling asleep, and spends most of the night rolling around and shifting positions.)

I think it's easy to get caught up in the expectation of good behavior in little kids, expecting them to follow the rules and never complain about them (certainly never whine!). But the more I think about my own reactions in some instances, the more I hope I'm developing understanding of his behaviors. If I like things the way I like them, why shouldn't he? I've been known to throw tantrums because something was done by someone else that I didn't like ... so I should be able to put myself in his place when he has one, shouldn't I?

I'm trying to remember these things in our daily lives together, and simultaneously trying to expect more from myself and put myself in his shoes more often. I'm hoping I can develop more patience—which has never been my long suit!

all-natural/pre-packaged

I often wonder how much my attitudes changed on this kind of thing when Matthew died. While pregnant with him, I very much wanted the midwife technique with a non-medicated water birth. I was completely committed to breastfeeding for at least a year. (I don't think I was ever interested in cloth diapering or making my own baby food, though. )

Of course, when Matthew died I didn't care about my "birth experience", and by the time we got around to Greyson being born I was none too sure what my mental state would be like during labor and delivery. I figured I'd have enough to do to hold myself together emotionally without trying to labor without drugs. And from there it just snowballed—for example, rather than worry about him not growing, I chucked breastfeeding. (Also, I really didn't like it ... I don't know if that would have been different with Matthew or not. I suspect it wouldn't have been.)

The thing is, I am happy with my parenting style now. My kids may not be the healthiest eaters on the block, and they may watch a lot of TV, but they're healthy, happy, and about as obedient and good-natured as can be expected from a 3-year-old and a 2-year-old. And, more than that, Lou is happy with our parenting choices, and I am quite sure his stance hasn't changed from before Matthew was born. (He was going along with the whole water-birth thing since it was what I wanted, but I think he was secretly hoping I'd change my mind before going through with it.) And there's a lot to be said for harmony in parenting when trying to have a happy marriage with three small children around!

All things considered, I suspect that my foray into the 'all-natural' world would probably have been brief, and receded in the face of real life. I just don't have the patience or the passion it takes to spend that kind of time. In the grand scheme of things, I can understand how other moms might look down on me for making the easier, more expensive, more ... processed choices—and I appreciate that I have friends who are okay with overlooking the differences between our lifestyles and parent-styles. I suspect we'll inch a little more to the healthy side of things as the kids get older (and we do, too!), anyway.

football - 3rd week

Not such a bad weekend, finally! Pats and Vikes came out victors, Texans had a bye, and the Titans were definitely contendahs. If McNair had connected with either of his last two passes, it would've been a win.

Next week:
Texans v. Bengals - I really hope the Texans can win this one!
Titans v. Colts - could be a good game—I'd like to think the Titans have a chance.
Patriots v. Chargers - you have to think the Patriots are in good shape for this one.
Vikings v. Falcons - not sure about this one, but it would be nice if the Vikings would win.

(Then again, since the Vikings tanked in the latter half of the season after Charles was born—it took him months before Daddy stopped thinking he was a jinx—maybe it would be better if they'd keep losing until this baby shows up and then suddenly start sparkling to victory every week. :))

And yes, sooner or later I will have something to talk about other than football!

football - 2nd week

Spanked. That's right, again, three of our four teams were completely spanked by their opponents. The Vikings were blown out, 37-8, by the Bengals! The Steelers, as expected, walked all over the Texans, 27-7. And the Patriots lost 27-17 to the Panthers! Penalties were definitely a problem for the Pats.

The Titans, however, did manage a 25-10 win over the Ravens. Woohoo!

Next week: Texans have a bye—at least they can't lose! Titans v. St. Louis—I'd like to think they have a fighting chance. Patriots v. Steelers—looking forward to the Pats juggernaut coming back full force and whomping 'em. Vikings v. Saints—I'm of two minds on this one, but at the very least it'd be nice to see the Vikings playing like a contendah again.

ahhh, pregnancy

Yes, this is going to be a shameless post full of complaints. Feel free to assume you already know what I'm going to say.

Disclaimer past: Agh!! My ankles have started swelling in a serious way the past few days. It's not helped out by all the time I've spent sitting at the table reading journals (I really should have my feet up more). My shoes completely don't fit, and walking is very uncomfortable with my ankle joints about half again their usual size. (Not to mention the feet themselves.) Every time I bend over, the blood flow to my head is constricted ... and I can't bend at the knees very well because those are swollen, too. And with two small people in the house, bending over is pretty constant. The baby is hanging out high up in the chest cavity (no further dropping, and as a matter of fact, she's come up from where she'd dropped to before), so my breathing is all off, as well. The smallest exertion and I have to stop and pant. Sleeping is okay except every time I roll over (which I do a lot) I have to go in very small stages with long pauses because my muscles and ligaments get so used to being in one position that they stiffen up. Plus, I wake up with my fingers so stiff they can't bend very well.

And all this at 34 weeks!!!!!!!!! I can only imagine the level of discomfort I'll be reaching in 4 weeks ... much less 5 or 6, if I make it that long. I feel badly for my poor little guys—I already have so little energy that afternoon trips to the park are few and far between, and that's not going to be getting any better. In some ways, it's good for us all to get used to spending more time inside, between oncoming winter and the baby, but it's definitely been a little too much inside time. Not sure what to do about that. Thank heavens for the back yard! They've been really patient, though.

End of complaint ... for now. I'm so glad this is the last baby!

entertainment reviews II

After having completely freaked myself out about the state of our TiVo when it appeared to mistape the pilots of Reunion and Bones, it turns out the whole thing was my own stupidity. I told it to tape them on a channel we don't get. I'm actually happier about this—my stupidity is easier to fix than TiVo! I'm scrapping Reunion altogether, and taping the second ep. of Bones because I'm almost positive I'm going to like the show. Despite not being Boreanaz's biggest fan. I did manage to correctly tape the pilot of Supernatural, and surprisingly it was quite good. I liked the chemistry between the two leads, liked the plotline of the episode, and overall liked the 'feel' of the show. Not quite so hit in the head with the meta-plot, but then, I never like meta-plots! Despite all this, however, I'm not picking up the show as a regular thing. It was a little too good at its job ... I was still jittery and caught up in the eerieness a couple of hours later. Big compliment to the show, but a bit more unsettled than I need to be by TV!

(As a side note, woohoo! for TV season!)

Read a new (to me) Louis L'Amour, The Lonesome Gods. As well-written as you'd expect, but definitely suffered from the main character being too perfect. This guy was quite the paragon. It really detracted from the book overall, I thought. Also read The Step on the Stair, by a little-remembered early 20th century mystery author named Anna Katharine Green. Good writer, but this again was not her best work. And finally, finished one more in Janette Oke's pioneer series. Light fluff, but enjoyable. I just started The Great Escape, which I'm very much looking forward to. It's a little disjointed so far, but I'm only on the prologue. I expect it'll connect better once I get into the book proper.

oh, lord, I'm a 3-year-old!

It's a really disturbing trend, noticing all the ways in which behavior I find unacceptable in Greyson is very much like behavior of my own.

The needing to have things a certain way ... for example, in him, having to carry his lion up the stairs himself. It irritates me when he whines about it. But I whine just as much when things in the house are done differently from the way I'd do them. There are more that I can't think of because my brain is shutting down, but this one is the one I notice most often.

Now, how exactly do you adequately parent, helping your child to become a more socially acceptable human being, when you know you do the exact same thing?

football season - opening weekend

Overall, not a fabulous opening for the home teams. The Patriots won, yay! As expected. But both the Titans and the Texans got completely creamed, and much to Lou's vocal chagrin, the Vikings had two touchdowns called back for penalties for an ultimate loss. Sloppy. (And apparently not good for opening weekend of Lou's fantasy football team, either. What you get for putting all your eggs in one basket!)

On the bright side, New Orleans won in a last-second (almost literally) tie-breaking field goal. Not only do I like NO and dislike the Panthers, I would not have wanted to be the team that beat the Saints in opening week, after recent events.

Next week: Texans v. Steelers. Not a lot of hope there.
Titans v. Ravens. I like to think they have a fighting chance.
Pats v. Panthers. They better win!
Vikings v. Bengals. Now THAT would be an embarrassing loss!

football season

I'm a little disappointed with myself, I have to say. The first two or three years we were together, my level of football knowledge and interest went up each year. But since then, it seems to have plateaued somewhat. In the last few, I think that's been because football Sundays have been such an excellent time to get my own projects done, knowing that Lou would be home and able to keep an eye on the kids all day.

I think part of me is waiting for a time when I have less to do to get more involved and learn more of the stats and things ... but really—is there ever going to be a time when I have less to do? I think my overall knowledge of football is increasing somewhat every year just from being exposed to it and hearing about the various players, etc. But I suspect once the boys start showing an interest, they'll be eclipsing me in knowledge level in a very short time! Oh, well. That won't be the only area that happens in, I'm sure!

social skills

Mine have been seriously lacking recently! I saw a bunch of women on Tuesday at Grey's preschool orientation whom I hadn't seen in a long while. They were all happy to see me, kept asking about the baby. And there, you see, there's the rub. I was fine until I had to start answering baby questions ... I get so cranky about it! They're always the same questions (when are you due?, do you know what you're having?, oh, you must be so excited!), which is understandable but pretty boring to keep answering. For the life of me, I just can't dredge up the excitement. I'm looking forward to the baby, but the weeks between now and then yawn open like a huge chasm that I can't jump, and every inch of it is filled with discomfort, anxiety, and impatience that I have to crawl through.

Which led me this afternoon to an overall review of the whole social thing and my place in it. I definitely have to do something about finding some new friends, since S. is eventually going to sell her house and disappear to the ends of the earth. But how do you find someone who's that good a fit with you? It's a lot of trial and error, and I'm just not in the mood to waste time on banalities. Especially when I have had such trouble keeping in touch with my existing friends this summer. The boys go to bed, and pretty much all I want to do is sleep.

All of which sort of puts any strenuous effort to find new compatible friends on temporary hold until I have more enthusiasm for social interaction in general. Personally, if I didn't have children, I'd be happy to hibernate and see no one for the next 5-7 weeks! I'm hoping after that I'll have, if not more energy, at least more interest in the outside world.

yay for "Amasa day"

So, after Lou spent much of the last two days putting up the entertainment and stereo system in the basement (football season is almost here, you know—must be able to watch football and play pool!), I got today to get my project list tackled.

Most of it revolved around sewing projects. I finished a large stack of mending; put together the crazy quilt pillow I've been working on for 5 years and put it in the baby's room; and put the backing on the quilt top I made while pregnant with Charles. (This is why I decided the crazy quilt pillow would be the baby's when I saw I was close to finishing it—there was no way I was going to do another quilt quilt! I'd never get it done!) Also, finally bought the mattress pad for Grey's bed, since we keep forgetting to put him in a diaper at nap time and it's only a matter of time until a "mistake" occurs. And got the new curtains (black for Batman) for the boys' room. It's nice and dark in there now, with no more blinds for them to destroy. The old curtains will go in the baby's room. Just have to get some curtain rods put up.

And, finally, did some baby clothes shopping. Because, yes, I really needed to. Honestly. She might have had to wear the same thing twice in her first month! ;) And at last I found the perfect coming home outfit—nice and soft, a little sleeper that she won't have to be changed out of and the most beautiful little cape! And no pink anywhere. Didn't think I'd be able to manage that one! Now, time to try and finish my journal article while watching The Great Escape.

clothes!

I can't wait to wear real ones again. I've been watching What Not to Wear (the BBC version, of course, not the ridiculous American version—Trinny and Susannah are the only gurus worth watching), and being reminded of what it's like to actually go out of the house feeling good about what you look like.

Of course, summer is coming to a close. Greyson's school starts Tuesday, and my MOPS group has an open house on Thursday, and to neither place to I feel comfortable wearing these shorts I've been wearing all summer (the two pairs that still fit) or the old baggy T-shirts. It's not cool enough yet for my fall maternity clothes (which are definitely a step up!), so it looks like I'll be digging out Lou's shirts and hoping it will at least stay cool enough for jeans.

I just really look forward to being done having the baby so that I can start reconnecting with a style, refining it for my current life, and looking like a person who has more going for her than really cute kids! When I put more care into selecting the boys' clothes for the day than I do into my own—well, I think it goes without saying that that's a problem.

(And on the subject of clothes ... still searching for the grail of baby outfits. A beautiful, special coming home outfit for a baby girl . . . . . . . that's not pink! Good luck to me, I know.)

New Orleans

It's just unbelievable. I keep thinking about all the people who have been evacuated, who don't know when or if they'll be able to return to their home city, much less their actual houses ... but can't really get started over somewhere else, either, because they don't know what they might have left or a clear idea how long it might take to get back home. How do you handle that kind of limbo, knowing there's nothing you can do, knowing you have to wait for government and civilian rescue and relief efforts to clear the area ... and constantly watching the news, which is leaving those rescue and relief efforts looking pretty disorganized and haphazard.

I think in a year, maybe two, there will be a New Orleans again—different, but with as much of the original flavor and spirit preserved as possible. It's the American way. We don't give up or take defeat lying down, and since New Orleans is like no other city in the country I have faith that enough people are passionate about it that it will be rebuilt. It's the next two to six months that I wonder about. If we can't even get the city evacuated (or the refugees fed), how are we going to get all the water out, clean up the bodies and debris, and get started putting it back? It seems like every day the situation gets worse, rather than better. In the short term, it looks bleak.