one resolution

Just one! That's all I made for this year, because I knew how challenging it would be. "Be Happy." Not really up my alley, I'd say. I tend to be a pessimist; a person who lives in the future and wishes away the present; a person who is easily irritated, angered, annoyed—call it what you will. So the resolution is necessary. It's really something I want to change about myself. I want to enjoy running around with Charles on my back and tickling Veronica and listening to Greyson laugh while it's happening, instead of being consumed with thinking what it will be like to do all that in 5 years. And I want to be less cranky with my kids in general. What I didn't expect was that it would be this hard. Somehow in the three months of this year, I feel that I've been crankier than ever, and certainly not focusing on the overall goal.

Always, when overwhelmed and faced with internal obstacles (chronic crankiness, ennui, general depressive funks), I think all I need is a fresh perspective, and I can resolve all my obstacles and get them out of my way, with a clear path before me. And I do that for a little while, but slowly all the obstacles jump back in and clutter up the path again, and I'm right back to where I started. I wonder sometimes if it's a control issue—a person simply cannot control another person, even if that other person is 4. Or 3. Or 1! And my orderly mind has enough trouble wrapping itself around my own disorder. Add another four people's worth, and it's just bewildering to know where to start.

I do know that it's pretty clear that when I'm in a better mood things get done more efficiently, I have more energy, more enthusiasm—for the kids, the general life stuff, and even for my own hobbies—and altogether my life runs more smoothly. And frankly, I think a person (at least, this person) should be able to have more control over their mood. So, time to be more mindful of the year's mantra. Be happy. There is, after all, a lot to be happy about.