the apples and the tree

As I sat watching Charles's kindergarten play this morning, I was thinking about my mother. She would have loved to see him - he was beaming, his movements were expressive, and you could clearly hear him above the other kids. Good projection. Very much like my mother. In the good way.

Afterward, there was a 'reception'. Otherwise known as 75 kindergarteners and their parents, grandparents, and younger siblings crammed into the moderate-sized school cafeteria while the kids lined up amidst the chaos to snatch food off a table filled with messy cut fruit, mini bagels with cream cheese tubs and knives to play with, and a supply of mini donuts that probably disappeared after the first 10 kids went through. (I was grumpy about this reception - I wanted to take mine out for food, since I hadn't had time to eat before we left the house, and he threw a big fit about wanting to stay. He ate one purloined mini donut, 6 blueberries, and a chunk of honeydew. Honestly.)

I was in hell. I can't stand these massive crushes of people.

Recently, I've been feeling a bit fish-out-of-water. Uncomfortable and ill-at-ease with the other moms, at peace only when in a one-on-one (rare) conversation or at home. This is pretty much my natural state, and I am reminded of why I need to push through these feelings. Because I imagine my mother felt very similar when I was in school. But instead of pushing through, she retreated, holing herself up in the house (without even the internet! GASP!), and we all know where that led. And it wasn't good for me, either. Without her help and encouragement, I was thrown back on my own resources. As a loner of an only child, I was more than happy to disappear into the house, and a vicious cycle was born.

Now, I'm a big fan of being home and learning to appreciate time on your own, but I have to remember as well that pushing myself to get out and about and find common ground with the land creatures (fish out of water, remember?) is a necessary part of the job. Because I want my kids to have a better childhood than I had, and I don't want to end up like my mom.