how things change!

I almost titled this one "Things fall apart", but 30 isn't really THAT old! I was reminded by someone today of an incident a couple of weeks ago—I needed to call S., but it was 10:45 pm. And though I knew absolutely she would be awake, I really agonized over whether that was too late to call. And it struck me as odd how things change ... 10 years ago, I wouldn't have bothered calling at 10:45 because it would have been way too early!

10 years ago ... 90% of my wardrobe was black. I wrote copious reams of occasionally good poetry that was mostly just adolescent angst. Because I didn't know who I was, I didn't know how to be loved for myself, so I took lust for love and was hurt and bewildered when it didn't last. I thought where I lived made the difference between being happy and not, rather than how I acted. I was skinnier and a heck of a lot cuter, but I was rarely happy.

One of my truly happy memories of 1995 is Christmas. I couldn't afford to go "home" (didn't have much of a home to go to—my mother was drunk, and I wouldn't have been welcome at my father's), and the guys I was renting a room from were in Florida. I got up at 6 am to go grocery shopping. Went back to bed for a while, then got up and made myself dinner. (Apple-cranberry crumble for dessert. Not entirely sure what the main course was anymore.) Then I watched movies. While You Were Sleeping, It's a Wonderful Life ... I'm sure a few more. By myself. And for once I was not only content but actually happy to be there, all by myself. It was one of the most peaceful, quiet days I've ever had.